Flashbacks

Our brain functions in strange, mysterious ways. An example of that is how I(everyone?) associates smells with a singular phase/incident or person. It just magically transports me, even for just an instant to a whole another world. Like, the smell of the earth with first rain takes me back to my childhood home in Mysore. I remember impatiently waiting for the rain to stop, stepping out the home onto the road in front of the house and start playing ( I have no clue what) with the other kids from the neighborhood. The smell of earth is not something I remember I noticed back then, heck I don't think I even cared, but its funny I always go back to that scene. Its like I transport myself into this scene in a movie where I am a bystander, and I see these kids running silly everywhere.
The smell of coconut oil takes me back to all the times my mom used to oil my hair. A particular brand of perfume takes me back to all those outings during my undergrad days. I can go on and on and on about it.
I am intrigued. What I imagine happens is that the smell triggers ( I imagine a bunch of neurons firing) a part of memory in some remote corner of the brain.  How is that memory activated and played back like a movie in your head? It is like an interrupt that the brain receives. Everything else stalls for a few seconds until the movie plays and after that the brain resumes its normal functioning. Is it not fascinating? :) I am going to read about it more at leisure.

Musi(ngs)c

I am going to be murdered by my "fine" music enthusiast friends for saying this -  I have gained new respect for club/dance music :) . I listen to it when I am working out or when I am thinking deeply about something. Why? Because I do not have to think about the music/lyrics. It helps me focus. Any other kind of music, I automatically associate with something or someone, which is distracting. Listening to old hindi music invariably makes me think of dad. I have little patience for the new breed of Hindi music and classical rock is just something you should listen to when you want to think about nothing, just chilling out, having a drink or two with a friend.  That is just how my brain functions. 

To be or not to be

Sometimes, we so badly want something in our life, and most often than not, you never get it. Be it be something as simple as pursuing your dreams and not having the means do so at that point in time or as complicated as relationships  Right when you give up on it, when you don't have an ounce of interest in it anymore, it comes knocking at your door. What do you do? Well, some would say that if you gave up on it, then may be it is a sign that you never really truly wanted it in the first place. I would argue it. Not that I care about what others think about me, but the thought did cross my mind. Is it true? Did I not want those things that bad in my life ? Did I not give it my all? The answer is - I did want  it badly and I did give my everything, physically and emotionally, so much so that I was completely exhausted to persist at it anymore. I accepted that it was not meant to be. And I think it is perfectly ok to re-prioritze every now and then. Is it really worth emotionally draining yourself over something that you have no control over? And according to me- NO. It certainly is not. Life is short. Do not brood over missed chances and if something was not meant to be, then just leave it be, pick up the pieces and move on. Am I this selfish? Yes, I am and I am not sorry. I hate to think of myself as someone who is at mercy of something or someone. Call this ego, pride or whatever you want. This is who I am.

So when something you have wanted so badly comes knocking at the door, it really messes up the balance I have worked to maintain. I don't know what to do. There is one thing I know for sure, it no longer holds the same level of priority it did once in my life sometime in the distant past. 

Edit: People get offended when I ask them what is it that changed their mind along the way. Honesty  is definitely overrated.

Conversation

I went to a club the other day with friends to try to meet new people here. Here is how the conversation went.
Me: Hi,there
The other person: Hello
Me: My name is Meghna. And you?
The other person :  so_and_so. What do you do?
Me: I am a student at the U. You?
The other person: A student huh?! Hmm. Interesting..

That went in a for loop with every other person that I met. Well mostly, till it was almost midnight and I had no energy or patience to be there.
I just could not find anything interesting to talk about, and I had nothing particular to contribute to the restaurant scene of Chicago, towards which the conversation steered. It was odd. I love my friends that I went along with, but umm.. may be this is not for me. I am ok by myself. Doing quite good, thank you. I have accepted that I am an introvert(funny I never thought myself to be one), and just "hit it off" with a very small fraction of people that I meet, which itself is low by the way.
A very strange phase of my life. I actually had to pause and think which word would best describe this phase and all I could come up with was "strange". I love nature and it feels like somebody has played a cruel joke on me by sending me to Minnesota. I can only laugh at this irony. I at least am hell bent on achieving what I came here for. I would not let this come in the way. Nope, sir, no way!

Project

I need a project. That's what I need, something on the side, something I love doing, something that keeps me occupied, something that refreshes me, something that rejuvenates me, something that does not involve sitting in front of the computer for long periods of time or does(may be). I NEED IT. 

Discovering music

I have been listening to a lot of rock music these days - Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, Zombies, Kansas, Journey, Scorpions, Was I deaf till now? :P

Dad, are you there?

I am working on a presentation that I am supposed to present to the "Non-volatile Memory" class on Tuesday, and also been listening to the "Kishore, Rafi, Lata" station on Pandora. And they have been playing all my dad's favorite songs, one after the other. Started noticing it when "Chandan Sa Badan" from Saraswati Chandra played, one of his all-time favorites. Then came - "Ehsaan Tera Hoga Mujhpar" from Junglee, "Chalte Chalte Yuhin koi" from Paakezah. He did not particularly like the newer songs( late 90s bollywood). There were very few he appreciated, one of them was "Bahot pyaar karte hain" from Saajan, and that played too. Just makes me feel, he is here somewhere, very near.